Go Ahead and Crown Their Asses!

San Diego Chargers AT Kansas City Chiefs (+6)
Scott:
I officially hate Kansas City.

I blame Larry Johnson for this. Last year I was the smartest man in the world. Some idiot in my fantasy league (yes, by idiot I mean the other writer for this wonderful blog Matt) drafted Priest Holmes. Late in the draft he never handcuffed him to Larry Johnson. So at this point it's late rounds, people are grabbing Ron Dayne just to be hilarious and I draft Larry Johnson.

Fast forward 17 weeks and I am the champion of my league, a keeper league. This was due in large part to two men, Larry John and Tiki Barber - my two keepers for this year.

What happens? This year I am 1-5 and in fantasy hell, to the point that I put up 155 (a HUGE number in our league - highest ever was 192) only to face LT and his Jerome Bettis impersonation of 4 TDs and about 2 yards of offense.

This teaches us two things. 1) Larry Johnson with a stick figure for a left tackle sucks
and 2) Don't bet against the Chargers playing a horrible team - no matter what the line

Pick: Chargers

Matt:
KC will stop a run-heavy team. Now that the laughter has subsided, take San Diego.



Jacksonville Jaguars AT Houston Texans (+10)
Scott:
I keep saying the Texans can't lose by that many points and they keep losing by that many points.

Meanwhile the Jags are down 1 wideout, 1 line backer, and I believe 3 fans are in comas after learning they lived in Jacksonville. So all signs point to them not being able to whoop on a team even if they are the Texans.

The Texans can't lose by that many points again can they?

They can.

Pick: Jaguars

Matt:
Is Jacksonville coming off of a bye? It's hard to say because no one pays attention to them any week of the season anyway. Houston I know about because I like to bet against them, plus we always get a recap of Mario Williams sacks Vs. Reggie Bush's touchdowns for the week. I'm glad they tell us that because we all know that the talent measurement index values one sack as exactly 37.5 yards for a running back. Such valuable information. Oh yeah, take Jacksonville.


New England Patriots AT Buffalo Bills (+6)
Scott:
Lawrence Maroney is a stud. J.P. Losman is a dud. Put money on the Patriots you will make a ton.

That's a little poem for you, I hope you liked it. In all honesty though, the Bills are absolutely horrible. They actually barely beat the Lions. Er...Wait, they lost. This caused betters all over the world to lose thumbs.

Pick: Patriots
Matt:
Oh Jesus. Buffalo is playing again? Shouldn't they be relegated to Arena after that loss to the Lions? I swear I read an article about that somewhere. Take the Patriots.


Pittsburgh Steelers AT Atlanta Falcons (+3)
Scott:
Vick may have just set a new record for throwing teammates under the bus. I mean this happens all the time, but its usually at the end of the season or a playoff loss (see Peyton Manning/Tiki Barber last season).

Here is what Vick had to say to Chris Cart on inside the NFL:


He said, "When Reeves was here, I was 50 yards shy of 3,000 yards passing, and I was among top 15 in passing in NFL. Coach Reeves, he believed in me and gave me a chance to throw the football."

Vick went on to say that he would excel if he had better talent surrounding him, specifically at wide receiver.

Carter named top-flight players like Chad Johnson and Randy Moss, to which Vick responded, "Or a Marvin Harrison. ... I always think about that, Chris. I always think, if I played in Indianapolis, what type of effect would I have on that team? Or what would I be able to do different? It's something I wish I could do for just one week."


Here is the thing, the only affect Vick would have on the Colts is that Marvin Harrison would be considered average. Vick is amazingly inaccurate. His completion percentage is so low not because of his receivers but because he can't get the ball to them to even attempt to make a play. The only thing this guy can do well is throw a deep ball that needs little to no accuracy (which he does have a hell of a strong arm ) and come up with awesome nicknames to pick up medication with.

That being said, I think the Atlanta Defense will shut down the Steelers running game if Ben has to pass more than 20 times or so this game is over.

Pick: Atlanta

Matt:
The last time Vick played Pittsburgh, it was back when he seemed completely amazing and unstoppable. Pittsburgh held them to a tie… with Tommy Maddox. I'm confident they can reign him in, jump ahead and then it's up to Vick's come-from-behind-passing skills. Cha-ching. Also, last year Mike, I'm sorry, I mean Michael said that he wasn't going to cut his hair until he won a Superbowl. Is he sticking to this still? I'm going to be watching to see if he has a pre-game conversation with Polamalu on how to avoid tackles because Michael and Troy are going to look like twins in a couple years. Take Pittsburgh.

Green Bay Packers (+5) AT Miami Dolphins
Scott:
Why does anyone still have any faith in the Dolphins?
Why am I forced to pick a winner here?

Pick: Green Bay

Matt:
Hmm. Joey Harrington. Does his old NFC north rival have a better handle on stopping him? No. Everyone knows how to stop him already. Trick question. Farve still pulls out a weirdo game once in a while and I think he'll do it here. At least within 5 points. I'll take the Pack.



Philadelphia Eagles AT Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+6)
Scott:
I have a gut feeling this one is closer than six points. The defense of the Bucs should still be good enough to handle the Eagles and keep it close.

I am also still waiting for the rest of the world to realize the Eagles are junk.

Pick: Tampa Bay

Matt:
Pick: Philadelphia. Reason: The Eagles have the Bucs out-spleened. Eagles 54: Bucs 53.



Detroit Lions (+4) AT New York Jets
Scott:
Jets are favored! Jets are favored!

Also, these are my two best options at Quarterback in my fantasy league.

1-5 baby!

Pick: Jets

Matt:
Oh Detroit. You screw everything up. And so do the Jets by the way. Either of these teams can do anything this week and you won't be surprised. The Jets are home so take them. Who knows?



Carolina Panthers (+3.5) AT Cincinnati Bengals
Scott:
Panthers are winless since Steve Smith came back.

Bengals just got beat by a team they should have never lost to. I am still waiting for one of their games to be done from a prison yard. If only so it can be the second remake of the longest yard, this time with out Irvin and the WWE rejects. Maybe we can even get Burt Reynolds to play Carson Palmer's physical therapist for that knee, he will do anything these days.


Pick: Carolina - FREE MONEY- TAKE THE MONEY LINE YAY!

Matt:
Sure, Cincinnati is at home but the Panthers can win this one outright. They just beat Baltimore, who was 4-0 at one time. The Bengals are all messed up on offense. The line isn't getting any running game going. Chad Johnson is missing practice this week. His chart of "Who stopped 85" is much different this year. I'm taking Carolina in this one and I might even consider doing a moneyline on this one.



Denver Broncos AT Cleveland Browns (+5)
Scott:
The Broncos have been putting up no points, they also haven't allowed a touchdown in forever.

5 Points is about right, but I think it might be closer.

Pick:Pick: Browns

Matt:
This one is tough. Denver gave Oakland its first win. (With Oakland, we're counting their season against the spread. We can't hold them to actual wins, it's not fair.) And Denver can't really put up any points this year. I'm going to play the numbers and take the home dog to cover. Cleveland.



Washington Redskins (+9) AT Indianapolis Colts
Scott:
Didn't the Redskins just lose to Vince Young?

Ok, just making sure.

Pick: Colts

Matt:
Washington sucks. But Portis will probably single handedly cover this spread since he's against Indianapolis.


Minnesota Vikings (+7) AT Seattle Seahawks
Scott:
Seahawks bring nothing to the table. They did put up a ton on the Rams but I don't really think the Rams defense is that wonderful a thing (offense plus defense and I think they are a playoff team).

On the other hand the Vikings have been keepings close. I may even consider betting the moneyline on this one. May.

Pick: Vikings

Matt:
Seattle's last two games were the Chicago pounding and a hard fought nail-biter against a division rival. Minnesota is coming off of a bye. Despite Shaun Alexander's prayers, Minnesota will at least cover here.


Arizona Cardinals (-3) AT Oakland Raiders
Scott:
Please don't tell me I actually have to pick a winner here, Please????

Instead I will tell you just to go to youtube and watch this

Pick: Cardinals

Matt:
I'm an Arizona fan. But I will avoid a tirade about Monday night's loss. However, Az is going to wallop the pants off of Oakland as a statement game. Their offense was clearly moving the ball and they're defense was good too. Take away two fumbles that only a team like the Bears could cause and they look very good.


New York Giants (+3.5) AT Dallas Cowboys
Scott:
Next week I will write a column up about Tiki, one of the best running backs in my era of football.

Pick: Giants
Matt:
I still can't put any faith in the Giants. I'll take Dallas.