Week 8, Bitches

Atlanta(+4.5) at Cincinnati
Scott:I gave you ATL beating Pitt last week, ride with me here. Take Cincinnati and Ocho Cinco.

If you have no idea what I am talking about check this out:

"I'm taking a risk. I'm coming out," Johnson said. "Coach Lewis has told me to tone it (down). He's told me to be quiet. I've been quiet all year. I haven't said much. I'm back. I'm back. I'm going to let it rip. My name isn't Chad no more. We're celebrating Spanish heritage month in October in the NFL. Ocho Cinco from now on. Anybody that writes about whatever I say today, you call me Ocho Cinco. Do not say Chad. You're going to get a pay cut. I'm not playing. Questions? DeAngelo Fall. Do not say Hall or I'm going to stop the interview."

PICK:Cincinnati

Tampa Bay (+9.5) at NY Giants
Scott: All week long, the talk has been of the QB problems in Dallas. Not one word about how the Giants dismanteled an Atlanta team everyone thought was doing great (and who is suddenly back after Vick had a great passing performance) or how the GMEN then went into Dallas and did the same thing. Drew Bledsoe is not the problem, the O-LINE is. More on this in the Dallas game section.

Lavar Arrington went down last week and the Giants are starting to run out of Linebackers early in the season but it’s not as so bad as it looks. Lavar once referred to the Giants defense as Voltron (if you don’t know look it up), a TV show from when I grew up which the Power Rangers ripped off years later. Lavar looked great on Monday night but that was it, he hadn’t done much to that point. He can still be a vocal leader, the Giants “Zordon” if you will.

Oh and no way “Grads” (this is seriously what Tampa Bay fans call him, check out their message board) can play well at the Meadowlands

PICK: Giants

San Francisco (+17) at Chicago
Scott: Arizona Sucks. San Fran Sucks. Arizona almost beat Chicago.

Transitive Property says:

PICK: San Francisco

Jacksonville (+6.5) at Philadelphia
Scott: Matt – Do you believe me that the Eagles are junk yet? No? Ok, keep losing.



PICK: Jacksonville

Seattle (+6) at Kansas City
Scott: A beat up Seattle team vs. a beat up Kansas City team..this is fantastic.

I’m glad LJ showed up last week to help out my fantasy woes.

I can’t wait to watch this, I mean finally Seneca Wallace going against Damon Huard!!! THIS IS GONNA BE BETTER THAN THE MANNING BOWL!!!

………give me the team with a real running back

PICK: Kansas City

Houston (+3) at Tennessee
Scott: BLECH!!! What is this suck week in the NFL?

I’m gonna make it interesting right now:

Matt: I will give you 2 points and 2 Mario Williams sacks if you take Tennessee. That’s right, Houston has to win by more than 2 and Mario Williams needs to go off. If I win you write a column about how were brain damaged as a child and know nothing about the NFL and if you win I will write one about what happened to me and I actually lost a bet to you.

PICK: Houston

Baltimore (+2) at New Orleans
Scott: STOP IT WITH THE HORRIBLE GAMES!!

And can we all please stop slurping Reggie Bush, he hasn’t done anything yet. So far he has been the poor mans Brian Westbrook who is like the poor man’s LT. If I hear what a great distraction this guy is one more time I may puke, if you need tips on how to be distracted send me an email. I got about 10 ways that cost under a hundred bucks.

PICK: New Orleans

Arizona (+3.5) at Green Bay
Scott: Young and Overrated vs Old and Overrated………… another great QB matchup….Give the points to the kid going into Lambeau
PICK: Green Bay

St. Louis(+9) at San Diego
Scott: Give me the 9 points please, I may take the money line on this just cause it could be so sweet. Do people really think San Diego is that good? Have they beat anyone yet? Pittsburgh? Come on! Did Ben play that one? Was he awake?

PICK: St. Louis

Indianapolis(+2.5) at Denver
Scott: I can’t believe that last game wasn’t my free money game, how could one be easier to pick??

The Colts are playing the Broncos? What’s the spread Denver getting like 5 at home?

The Broncos are favored?!!?!?!?!

GET ME THE DEED TO MY HOUSE!!!

PICK: Colts – FREE MONEY GAME!!!

NY Jets(+1.5) at Cleveland
Scott: Why did I talk in questions throughout that last pick? I have no idea.

Pennington, Fyre – QB WEEK IN THE NFL!!!

PICK: JETS

Pittsburgh(-9) at Oakland
Scott: I don’t care if its Big Ben, Charlie Batch, Maddox XFL or the kid from Friday Night Lights, Pittsburgh does not lose this game

PICK:Pittsburgh

Dallas(+5) at Carolina
Scott: OK The QB thing…….

I am going to explain as basic as I can:

Atlanta’s offensive line is better than Dallas’ – if you don’t believe that stop reading and never come back

Mike Vick is the most mobile QB in the NFL, maybe ever – if you don’t believe that stop reading and never come back.

The Giants sacked Vick ONE MORE TIME than they sacked Bledsoe!!! It is not Bledsoe’s fault, the Giants are actually a good team with a great defensive line.

Tony Romo is not the answer guys. An offensive line is.

PICK: Carolina

New England(-2.5) at Minnesota
Scott: I have no idea how to pick this game….I don’t think there will be much scoring so I will go with the home team in what I think will be a shocker, even if Vegas doesn’t

PICK: Vikings

Matt's Quick Picks:

Cin over atl

Tampa over giants

San fran over chicago

philadelphia over jax

KC over SEattle

Tenn over Houston

New Orleans over Baltimore

Arizona over Green Bay

St. Louis over Sandiego

Indianapolis over Denver

Jets over cleveland

Pittsburgh over Oakland

Carolina over dallas

New England over minn

Go Ahead and Crown Their Asses!

San Diego Chargers AT Kansas City Chiefs (+6)
Scott:
I officially hate Kansas City.

I blame Larry Johnson for this. Last year I was the smartest man in the world. Some idiot in my fantasy league (yes, by idiot I mean the other writer for this wonderful blog Matt) drafted Priest Holmes. Late in the draft he never handcuffed him to Larry Johnson. So at this point it's late rounds, people are grabbing Ron Dayne just to be hilarious and I draft Larry Johnson.

Fast forward 17 weeks and I am the champion of my league, a keeper league. This was due in large part to two men, Larry John and Tiki Barber - my two keepers for this year.

What happens? This year I am 1-5 and in fantasy hell, to the point that I put up 155 (a HUGE number in our league - highest ever was 192) only to face LT and his Jerome Bettis impersonation of 4 TDs and about 2 yards of offense.

This teaches us two things. 1) Larry Johnson with a stick figure for a left tackle sucks
and 2) Don't bet against the Chargers playing a horrible team - no matter what the line

Pick: Chargers

Matt:
KC will stop a run-heavy team. Now that the laughter has subsided, take San Diego.



Jacksonville Jaguars AT Houston Texans (+10)
Scott:
I keep saying the Texans can't lose by that many points and they keep losing by that many points.

Meanwhile the Jags are down 1 wideout, 1 line backer, and I believe 3 fans are in comas after learning they lived in Jacksonville. So all signs point to them not being able to whoop on a team even if they are the Texans.

The Texans can't lose by that many points again can they?

They can.

Pick: Jaguars

Matt:
Is Jacksonville coming off of a bye? It's hard to say because no one pays attention to them any week of the season anyway. Houston I know about because I like to bet against them, plus we always get a recap of Mario Williams sacks Vs. Reggie Bush's touchdowns for the week. I'm glad they tell us that because we all know that the talent measurement index values one sack as exactly 37.5 yards for a running back. Such valuable information. Oh yeah, take Jacksonville.


New England Patriots AT Buffalo Bills (+6)
Scott:
Lawrence Maroney is a stud. J.P. Losman is a dud. Put money on the Patriots you will make a ton.

That's a little poem for you, I hope you liked it. In all honesty though, the Bills are absolutely horrible. They actually barely beat the Lions. Er...Wait, they lost. This caused betters all over the world to lose thumbs.

Pick: Patriots
Matt:
Oh Jesus. Buffalo is playing again? Shouldn't they be relegated to Arena after that loss to the Lions? I swear I read an article about that somewhere. Take the Patriots.


Pittsburgh Steelers AT Atlanta Falcons (+3)
Scott:
Vick may have just set a new record for throwing teammates under the bus. I mean this happens all the time, but its usually at the end of the season or a playoff loss (see Peyton Manning/Tiki Barber last season).

Here is what Vick had to say to Chris Cart on inside the NFL:


He said, "When Reeves was here, I was 50 yards shy of 3,000 yards passing, and I was among top 15 in passing in NFL. Coach Reeves, he believed in me and gave me a chance to throw the football."

Vick went on to say that he would excel if he had better talent surrounding him, specifically at wide receiver.

Carter named top-flight players like Chad Johnson and Randy Moss, to which Vick responded, "Or a Marvin Harrison. ... I always think about that, Chris. I always think, if I played in Indianapolis, what type of effect would I have on that team? Or what would I be able to do different? It's something I wish I could do for just one week."


Here is the thing, the only affect Vick would have on the Colts is that Marvin Harrison would be considered average. Vick is amazingly inaccurate. His completion percentage is so low not because of his receivers but because he can't get the ball to them to even attempt to make a play. The only thing this guy can do well is throw a deep ball that needs little to no accuracy (which he does have a hell of a strong arm ) and come up with awesome nicknames to pick up medication with.

That being said, I think the Atlanta Defense will shut down the Steelers running game if Ben has to pass more than 20 times or so this game is over.

Pick: Atlanta

Matt:
The last time Vick played Pittsburgh, it was back when he seemed completely amazing and unstoppable. Pittsburgh held them to a tie… with Tommy Maddox. I'm confident they can reign him in, jump ahead and then it's up to Vick's come-from-behind-passing skills. Cha-ching. Also, last year Mike, I'm sorry, I mean Michael said that he wasn't going to cut his hair until he won a Superbowl. Is he sticking to this still? I'm going to be watching to see if he has a pre-game conversation with Polamalu on how to avoid tackles because Michael and Troy are going to look like twins in a couple years. Take Pittsburgh.

Green Bay Packers (+5) AT Miami Dolphins
Scott:
Why does anyone still have any faith in the Dolphins?
Why am I forced to pick a winner here?

Pick: Green Bay

Matt:
Hmm. Joey Harrington. Does his old NFC north rival have a better handle on stopping him? No. Everyone knows how to stop him already. Trick question. Farve still pulls out a weirdo game once in a while and I think he'll do it here. At least within 5 points. I'll take the Pack.



Philadelphia Eagles AT Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+6)
Scott:
I have a gut feeling this one is closer than six points. The defense of the Bucs should still be good enough to handle the Eagles and keep it close.

I am also still waiting for the rest of the world to realize the Eagles are junk.

Pick: Tampa Bay

Matt:
Pick: Philadelphia. Reason: The Eagles have the Bucs out-spleened. Eagles 54: Bucs 53.



Detroit Lions (+4) AT New York Jets
Scott:
Jets are favored! Jets are favored!

Also, these are my two best options at Quarterback in my fantasy league.

1-5 baby!

Pick: Jets

Matt:
Oh Detroit. You screw everything up. And so do the Jets by the way. Either of these teams can do anything this week and you won't be surprised. The Jets are home so take them. Who knows?



Carolina Panthers (+3.5) AT Cincinnati Bengals
Scott:
Panthers are winless since Steve Smith came back.

Bengals just got beat by a team they should have never lost to. I am still waiting for one of their games to be done from a prison yard. If only so it can be the second remake of the longest yard, this time with out Irvin and the WWE rejects. Maybe we can even get Burt Reynolds to play Carson Palmer's physical therapist for that knee, he will do anything these days.


Pick: Carolina - FREE MONEY- TAKE THE MONEY LINE YAY!

Matt:
Sure, Cincinnati is at home but the Panthers can win this one outright. They just beat Baltimore, who was 4-0 at one time. The Bengals are all messed up on offense. The line isn't getting any running game going. Chad Johnson is missing practice this week. His chart of "Who stopped 85" is much different this year. I'm taking Carolina in this one and I might even consider doing a moneyline on this one.



Denver Broncos AT Cleveland Browns (+5)
Scott:
The Broncos have been putting up no points, they also haven't allowed a touchdown in forever.

5 Points is about right, but I think it might be closer.

Pick:Pick: Browns

Matt:
This one is tough. Denver gave Oakland its first win. (With Oakland, we're counting their season against the spread. We can't hold them to actual wins, it's not fair.) And Denver can't really put up any points this year. I'm going to play the numbers and take the home dog to cover. Cleveland.



Washington Redskins (+9) AT Indianapolis Colts
Scott:
Didn't the Redskins just lose to Vince Young?

Ok, just making sure.

Pick: Colts

Matt:
Washington sucks. But Portis will probably single handedly cover this spread since he's against Indianapolis.


Minnesota Vikings (+7) AT Seattle Seahawks
Scott:
Seahawks bring nothing to the table. They did put up a ton on the Rams but I don't really think the Rams defense is that wonderful a thing (offense plus defense and I think they are a playoff team).

On the other hand the Vikings have been keepings close. I may even consider betting the moneyline on this one. May.

Pick: Vikings

Matt:
Seattle's last two games were the Chicago pounding and a hard fought nail-biter against a division rival. Minnesota is coming off of a bye. Despite Shaun Alexander's prayers, Minnesota will at least cover here.


Arizona Cardinals (-3) AT Oakland Raiders
Scott:
Please don't tell me I actually have to pick a winner here, Please????

Instead I will tell you just to go to youtube and watch this

Pick: Cardinals

Matt:
I'm an Arizona fan. But I will avoid a tirade about Monday night's loss. However, Az is going to wallop the pants off of Oakland as a statement game. Their offense was clearly moving the ball and they're defense was good too. Take away two fumbles that only a team like the Bears could cause and they look very good.


New York Giants (+3.5) AT Dallas Cowboys
Scott:
Next week I will write a column up about Tiki, one of the best running backs in my era of football.

Pick: Giants
Matt:
I still can't put any faith in the Giants. I'll take Dallas.

Week 6

Matt: Alright. Here we go. Starting fresh. I'm feeling an 11-2 week. Let's get straight to it.

Different set up this week folks, we will list the game and the odds and then Matt and Scott will comment on the game right after in one wild and crazy column.


Buffalo at Detroit (+2)

Matt: I've completely lost a handle on the Bills this season. They've been up and down so much. But I do know about the Lions, and that means bet against them. I think that 2 point line is really an over/under on Kitna's suspiciously intentional-looking fumbles/ints. – Give me Buffalo

Scott: I am going to take Buffallo here giving the points even though I hate J.P. Losman more than Satan. I need this one to be an offensive juggernaut due to me starting John Kitna in fantasy (there is a reason I am 1-4 this season)

Carolina at Baltimore(-3)

Matt: I live in Baltimore. That qualifies me as an expert. I was in South Carolina when I was thirteen. Therefore, I am an expert in both. – I will take Carolina

Scott: I have been saying it for 3 weeks now, Steve McNair has finally learned the Ravens offense of losing close games, take Carolina and win some money


Cincinnati at Tampa Bay(+5.5)
Matt: Gradcowski? Who knows? I'll take Carson and the Chain Gang.

Scott: I hate both these teams, give me Carson Palmer over Brucey G any day though


Houston(+13.5) at Dallas

Matt: Remember when it looked like the Texans were going to go 0-16 last year and then the eeked out a win to wreck it? Well, this year that's the Raiders story. Anyway, the point is, the Texans will put up a fight in this one. Still lose of course. But not by that much.

Scott: Drew Bledsoe sucks, Terrel Ownes makes Terry Glenn look stable, and Parcels man titties are bigger than Phil Mickleson’s at this point…look for them to be in NFC East basement. They will win this one but not by 13.5 over David “Best Fantasy QB” Carr (how is this happening again?)


Giants(+3) at Atlanta

Matt: Vick off of a bye. E-cry Manning vs John Abraham. Abraham only plays four games a year so he makes them count. Atlanta Falcons with the win, give the points.

Scott: Giants defense sucks, they can only do one thing well. However, it’s stoping the run. Take the Giants with the points. Also Vick needs LT to throw the touchdown pass to beat some High School kids….so he sucks


Philadelphia at New Orleans(+3.5)
Matt: I really like New Orleans this year but Philadelphia is still better than people think. – Philly, give the points

Scott: Philadelphia is worse than people think. They couldn’t even beat that high school football team from the Nike commercials


Seattle at St. Louis(+3)

Matt: I have no idea. I figure the home dog has a chance to win outright. So take 'em.

Scott: Take St. Louis, Seahawks suck w/o Shawn


Tennessee(+10.5) at Washington
Matt: The Redskins suck like always. Young Vince almost took down the Colts and the Titans D held them to what? 14 points? They probably won't win but they'll cover that spread.

Scott: I have to agree if they can hold the Colts to 14 (though they always play the Colts tough) and Redskins can only score 3 versus a Giants defense, this looks like a much closer game than 10.5


Kansas City (+7) at Pittsburgh

Matt: That spread is probably too high. But this is a must win for the Steelers. Plus I lived in Pittsburgh for six years, that qualifies me as an expert. (You'd think my 18 years would make me an expert in the Scranton/Wilkes Barre/Hazleton Red Barons... but it doesn't work like that. You don't get it at all, do you?) Pitt will win it out

Scott: Take KC over Pitt, over/under on Big Ben being benched is set at 3:13 left in the 3rd…take the under


Miami at N.Y. Jets (-3)
Matt: Jets favored? Now I've seen it all. – I’ll take the J-E-T-S

Scott: Jet’s D = awful, Miami’s Offense = awful…….take the points


San Diego at San Francisco (+10.5)

Matt: No freaking way do the 49ers cover this. I would probably take this line at +21. Don't hold me to that.

Scott: If you bet the moneyline on San Fran to win outright its 4 times whatever you bet……….this is not a good sign for the 49ers. Take the Chargers


Oakland (+15) at Denver

Matt: I'm actually very tempted to pick Oakland for the first time this year. They have to start covering at some point don't they? Can a team really go 0-16 against the spread. But alas, I am a coward and I'm taking Denver.

Scott: Denver is averaging less points than this spread. I am still taking Denver (thank you Art Shell for being a bettor’s dream)


Chicago at Arizona (+11.5)

Matt: A team with an average margin of victory of 20 points against a team with an average of two boneheaded game killing plays a game. +11.5 is nowhere near enough give me the Bears

Scott: Bears and their cupcake schedule could very well face the Eagles with their cupcake schedule in the playoffs in the battle of “How the hell did we get this overrated?” Take the Bears

Matt's Confidence Picks:
Buffalo over Detroit (+2)
Atlanta over New York Giants (+3)

Scott's Free Money Game of the Week:
Carolina(+3) over Baltimore

Summary:

Games we bet the same team on, as if we actually bet real money at a real online site. However we would never actually do this. Any similarity to an online receipt is completely made up in your dumb head.

10 Team Parlay
NFL WEEK 6
Cincinnati Bengals Vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tennessee Titans +11 Vs. Washington Redskins
Houston Texans +13 Vs. Dallas Cowboys
Buffalo Bills -2 Vs. Detroit Lions
St. Louis Rams +3 Vs. Seattle Seahawks
Carolina Panthers +3 Vs. Baltimore Ravens
New York Jets -3 Vs. Miami Dolphins
San Diego Chargers -10 Vs. San Francisco 49ers
Denver Broncos -14½ Vs. Oakland Raiders
Chicago Bears -11½ Vs. Arizona Cardinals
Risk $5.00 to win $3,711.59

Baseball

Sometimes it takes forever to come up with an idea and sometimes these things write themselves.

I won’t tell you I like baseball - that would be a lie. I do love sports though and baseball isn’t my least favorite (Hey hockey how’s it going? Wow, you’re back?!? Good on you!). Therefore the baseball playoffs and storylines do give me some moments that I enjoy. Here are the highlights (and lowlights):

Yankees Losing

Take this as a high or a low however you want it. It can be a high because a team beat a bunch of individuals. It can be a low if you are a Yankee fan, but it could even be a high for you too. Something was horribly wrong here and it needs to be fixed.

Sell off some players. You have 2 DHs playing first base, about 30 all-star outfielders fighting for 3 positions, one of the best players of all time (yes, still) playing out of position. It’s time to make a change, sell of some of the fine glassware that’s worth a bunch of money and concentrate on the foundation.

End of the Season

Think of the season like college semesters, if you start off great you can coast towards the end. Get drunk, go to some parties, have sex with girls you will never admit to your friends. The point is, you worked hard in the beginning now you can coast, just get your ass in gear for finals.

Everyone thinks that rushing towards the playoffs is good, and having every game since July mean something important. It doesn’t……IT MAKES THEM TIRED!

Imagine if you had to take every quiz, final, assignment like it was college final and meant life or death. By the time the actual final rolled around you would be dead tired and having nothing “extra” to give it.

Look at who is still around: Detroit, Mets, Cardinals, As. Only one of the teams left was really trying for a spot the hole last half of the season, the rest backed in and were able to turn it up in the first round of the playoffs.

Can we put the “better to have games mean something” theory to bed now? Great, thanks.

Cory Lidle

If you are looking for me to write up about how sad it is or why God does things like this…keep looking, you won’t find it.

I won’t feel bad for anyone in those small planes. I’m sorry, to me it’s like sky diving only a little less safe. So while I feel bad for the family of him and John Denver and JFK Jr. – I don’t feel bad for the people who passed away.

That being said, let me paraphrase Barry Zito’s comments on this:

"he talked about getting his license a lot, I'm sure he had a lot of fun flying and he ahh.. probably went down a way he'd want"

WHAT?!?!

If anyone, ever, in the history of the world thought that joy riding a plane into a building was a good way to die (and no, for a jihad does not count) please tell me?

What is this guy, a Klingon? “Perhaps today is a good day to die”

I think I have seen more Zito than Lidle today…I’m sick of him

Prediction

I said at the beginning of the season (to my friends, just believe it) that the World Series would be As v Mets and I am sticking to it.

World Series: Mets

Atlanta (-7) over Arizona
I have no faith in Zona plus ATL is gonna be supper pissed after the whole United States rooted against them last Monday

Tennessee (+9.5) over Dallas
Dallas is just a freaking mess lately, and 9.5 is a lot. Damn this is a hard game to pick

New York Jets (+8) over Indianapolis
I feel a let down game coming and…god this is hard to say…I kinda like the Jets this year

Houston(+4) over Miami
”I cannot find any possible explanation for why I keep giving Miami any credit at all.”
- From above
I cannot find any possible explanation for why he keeps giving Miami any credit at all.

Minnesota(+1) over Buffalo
I am currently home sick and the only thing I have to bring myself is joy is that he just typed the word underrated having to do with a JP Losman team. Plus check out the pic…you are gonna put money on this guy??

New Orleans (+7) over Carolina
I would never put money a team that let people come back with no running game and a spleen-less quarterback. You can do whatever you want.

San Diego (-2) over Baltimore
In the battle of the overrated its an overrated defense vs. an overrated offense…..this must be why the NFL is so popular!

Today is the day we learn how well McNair learned to throw picks the proper way in the Ravens offense

KC(-7) over San Francisco
Too many injuries on San Fran coupled with the fact that they are San Fran


St. Louis (-5.5) over Detroit
The most interesting sub plot in the gambling world: Over/Under on 3:15 left in the third – when Mike Martz puts a bullet in his brain after watching that great offense put up 12 points w/o him

Jacksonville (-3) over Washington
Washington needs this win bad. Jacksonville doesn’t care

Cincinnati (-5.5) over New England
My rumor of the week: Apparently when Odell Thurman got his DUI Chris Henry was leaning out the car window puking – You have to love this team

Seattle (+3.5) over Chicago
Rex Grossman will be exposed

Green Bay (+11) over Eagles
Farve on Monday night playing a team who has beat no one. I can’t say how you can say the Eagles are the top of the NFC, they literally beat no one. They will win this game by less than 11 and still have beaten no one.

Free Money Game of the Week

Cleveland (-3) over Oakland
Seriously, why does anyone ever play Oakland? It’s like a preseason game, someday someone will get hurt and it will be for a nothing game